Campaigning for Dummies (and the Internationally Sanctioned)
No passports, no press, no policies, no problem.
The following explains how to transform sanctions, hubris and incompetence into a campaign platform using nothing more than a camera, a convoy, and the unwavering belief that reality is politely optional.
Step 1: Avoid Questions at All Costs
Host nothing live. Announce everything by pre-taped video, filmed slightly out of focus for plausible deniability. Should a reporter slip past security, offer them a vacuous quote, compliment their nail polish, and vanish into a closing door. In the replay, awkward silence counts as thoughtful pause.
Step 2: Smile Through It All
Adopt one grin and copyright it. Use it on television, at court, in hospital ribbon-cuttings, and over burnt rice. Viewers debate whether the expression signals calm or confusion. Either guess keeps them scrolling. Curiosity stretches reach.
Step 3: Relabel the Sanction
Treat the Sanctions as an invitation to the cool table. Laminate it, frame it, maybe sell souvenir fridge magnets. Repeat on loop that outside criticism proves inside strength. Eventually everyone tires of the loop and accepts the slogan.
Step 4: Monetise the Precious Metals Pipeline
Rename gold smuggling as a Moving Savings Account. Post a sunrise reel of ingots gliding along a conveyor into velvet sacks marked National Fitness Programme. When journalists cite mystery powdered cargo on the same flights, nod gravely and say portfolio diversification is a sign of good governance.
Step 5: Replace Policy with Designer Gift Bags
Drive up in a two-story vehicle, distribute bergamot-scented moisturiser and premium chocolate, then label the trip an Infrastructure Consultation. Mention no budgets, much less any policies. If residents raise healthcare, hand them vitamin-infused sparkling water and declare the problem addressed.
Step 6: Visa Denial as Mindfulness
Explain that staying within national borders deepens empathy. Post café selfies captioned global partners prefer home delivery. Finish with gratitude for the carbon savings generated by never flying anywhere.
Step 7: Convert Court Dates into Listening Tours
Carry coconut water and a portable ring light through the metal detector. Stream the hearing under the title Civic Dialogue Live. If the indictment is read aloud, thank the judge for raising awareness. Every subpoena supplies new content.
Step 8: Outsource Credibility to Social Numbers
Announce Intercontinental Quantum Farming via sunset selfie. Add a poll: Free nationwide WiFi or marble chicken coops. Whichever option wins becomes policy at sunrise. Hand a retired hoverboard and a ministry title to the most enthusiastic commenter. Likes become legislation, engagement becomes the audit.
Step 9: Coalition of the Confused
Sign memoranda with parties whose acronyms contradict each other. When pressed on ideology, reply unity. When pressed on unity, reply diversity. Leave before the third question.
Step 10: Ignore Foreign Panic
If a senator accuses you of being a South American dictator’s puppet, respond with a five-minute video shot against crashing surf, referencing food security and the moon. Turn off comments for forty-eight hours. Time and tide handle the rest.
Bonus Step: Country Deserves Options
Should new allegations emerge, release a monochrome portrait titled The Nation Deserves Options, speaking in circles for exactly three hundred seconds. Promise an announcement next Friday, spend the interim uploading sunrise time-lapses, and trust the algorithm to file the paperwork.